We were able to pick up the pieces on Friday morning. We walked to the showroom, you helped cleaned, used the computer and become privy to information about the showroom.
We talked and as usual you placed me in your arms and comforted me. No one can ever comforted me the way you do.
Our walk, coffee and Target. Oh, missed you already. I was still very happy to be with you had high hopes for of future.
My friend called with info about an apartment, I called a car and rushed to see it. I like the place and the price and couldn't wait to share my excitement with you.
You were excited and gave me a heads up on your day and what time you'd me expected back.
After work, I decided I would organize your clothes and iron the ones in the basket. Then once you got back we could grab a bite or a drink. You text and told me you would leave NJ at 10:30. You came home at a little past midnight and was clearly high and had been drinking.
Brian, this was to be you last night! How do you think i felt.
I wished you were mindful enough to come back a reasonable time especially because you knew I had to work the next day and more so because you'd be leaving.
I was on the ironing board ironing your stuff and i froze because the man i marry cared about me and is mindful and would want to leave a few minutes early to come back. Not staying an extra few minutes.
I was angry and that was why i asked you to leave. Bye bye.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The 15th
Thursday the 15Th is finally here.
All the work we did, the friendship we have reestablished and the team we have formed. I have a permanent picture of us in my head. We are at the laundry and its hot, over 100 degrees and we are sweaty but we are doing laundry as a team. Folding and bagging and stealing glances at each other.
Yes, its not romantic but it is us. We worked so very well together and when I look into those gorgeous brown eyes of yours. It get the chills every time.
For the last sixty days, I begged and I pleaded and I begged for us to make changes and seek therapy. There were days when I knew it was considered but there was never a commitment from you. of Course, asked why would he want to build a life with me and the boys? What is he so afraid of? Why is he so detached?
The answers I keep getting is: its is not about me. I could be the perfect wife and he"d still be detached.
I realized you are afraid of not living up to your expectation.s You are afraid that you will continue to disappoint me so it is easier for you to discard it all and go to a place where you deem safe. That is why it is so attractive for you to move out and away instead of doing the dirty work.
Then, I found out now in a straight forward way that you are moving back with your boy. Wow! What a shocker that was. All along, I keep thinking that you needed space to think and for us to re group and now I find out you are gonna be responsible for someone else again.
You are leaving me but moving with someone. Someone who isn't capable of taking care of himself here in NY. Someone who you carried for almost a year. Now, for the last 10 months, you were never able to help me financially not even with $200.00 per month in a household that required $4500.00. Oh, yea, you did pay the cable and buy grocery at times. You are moving with whom? and why?
Brian, how did you expect me to react. You are breaking up our marriage to live in a bachelor crib when you told me you wanted to be focused. Brian, you are NEVER with Jonathon and you are not drinking. He even allow you to drive when he knows you should not yet he is your friend. I and sure your responsible friends like Dion would never allow you to get behind the wheels. I am aaaaangry!
It was down hill and when you got back in again late....you were drinking so it was a disaster waiting to happened. When I asked not to mention J and walked out of the room. You attacked me and forced me to spend the next three hours recapping all that happened.
That is also why I am the enemy and the often the victim when you are frustrated.
All the work we did, the friendship we have reestablished and the team we have formed. I have a permanent picture of us in my head. We are at the laundry and its hot, over 100 degrees and we are sweaty but we are doing laundry as a team. Folding and bagging and stealing glances at each other.
Yes, its not romantic but it is us. We worked so very well together and when I look into those gorgeous brown eyes of yours. It get the chills every time.
For the last sixty days, I begged and I pleaded and I begged for us to make changes and seek therapy. There were days when I knew it was considered but there was never a commitment from you. of Course, asked why would he want to build a life with me and the boys? What is he so afraid of? Why is he so detached?
The answers I keep getting is: its is not about me. I could be the perfect wife and he"d still be detached.
I realized you are afraid of not living up to your expectation.s You are afraid that you will continue to disappoint me so it is easier for you to discard it all and go to a place where you deem safe. That is why it is so attractive for you to move out and away instead of doing the dirty work.
Then, I found out now in a straight forward way that you are moving back with your boy. Wow! What a shocker that was. All along, I keep thinking that you needed space to think and for us to re group and now I find out you are gonna be responsible for someone else again.
You are leaving me but moving with someone. Someone who isn't capable of taking care of himself here in NY. Someone who you carried for almost a year. Now, for the last 10 months, you were never able to help me financially not even with $200.00 per month in a household that required $4500.00. Oh, yea, you did pay the cable and buy grocery at times. You are moving with whom? and why?
Brian, how did you expect me to react. You are breaking up our marriage to live in a bachelor crib when you told me you wanted to be focused. Brian, you are NEVER with Jonathon and you are not drinking. He even allow you to drive when he knows you should not yet he is your friend. I and sure your responsible friends like Dion would never allow you to get behind the wheels. I am aaaaangry!
It was down hill and when you got back in again late....you were drinking so it was a disaster waiting to happened. When I asked not to mention J and walked out of the room. You attacked me and forced me to spend the next three hours recapping all that happened.
That is also why I am the enemy and the often the victim when you are frustrated.
Wednesday - Friday
I cannot help but think about your pain and what i have done to add to that pain. I am so very sad that you are not able to be the loving kind affectionate man I know you ought to be.
I am sad that you really believed I treated you badly during our marriage. without ever putting things in prospective and taking responsibility.
We got married and immediately you refused to be fiscally responsible. I had never experienced anything and in my wildest dream would never think that I'd be married to a man who was not prepared to do whatever was necessary for his wife and family.
You often tell me you never felt like this was your home and I would do little thing to make you feel at home. You on the other hand did nothing to help create a home. The burden was totally on me.
I bought the little things that you needed. Everything from shoe storage to jewelry and change tray. I gave you a desk and create shelves for you. You have never given me one penny towards any of these things and for the seven months you refused to help me with our very expensive rent. Yes, you knew the amount before moving in and if you had no intention of helping or paying we should like responsible people moved to a more affordable place.
You never felt like this was home because you never make the investment needed to create a home so what you experience was mostly guilt because its easier for you to tell yourself and others that you never felt it was your home than you never invest in our home or contribute financially.
Back in January, I begged and pleaded with you to renew your per Diem contract yet with my business during the winter months slow and you not getting a lot of cases on your own, the per Diem work would be of some help and bring in some monies to help us out. YOU REFUSED!
I still struggle with that and guess will always because I just don't understand why a husband would not want to do what was necessary of what he can to support his family. Per Diem work is only a few hours per week.
The gym was were you choose to invest 15 hours. How do you think that made me feel?
Not once have I seen you look for opportunities. When I mentioned sending your resumes to certain places, you always opposed.
The man I marry, is the guy who went to law school after working in finance. The guy I marry, worked his ass off though law school and proved that he could do it. I don't know what happened to that guy but I want that guy back.
We watched a movie and it was just so very sad that after such an amazing Sunday, we are on opposite side of the sofa. My heart was broken.
I am sad that you really believed I treated you badly during our marriage. without ever putting things in prospective and taking responsibility.
We got married and immediately you refused to be fiscally responsible. I had never experienced anything and in my wildest dream would never think that I'd be married to a man who was not prepared to do whatever was necessary for his wife and family.
You often tell me you never felt like this was your home and I would do little thing to make you feel at home. You on the other hand did nothing to help create a home. The burden was totally on me.
I bought the little things that you needed. Everything from shoe storage to jewelry and change tray. I gave you a desk and create shelves for you. You have never given me one penny towards any of these things and for the seven months you refused to help me with our very expensive rent. Yes, you knew the amount before moving in and if you had no intention of helping or paying we should like responsible people moved to a more affordable place.
You never felt like this was home because you never make the investment needed to create a home so what you experience was mostly guilt because its easier for you to tell yourself and others that you never felt it was your home than you never invest in our home or contribute financially.
Back in January, I begged and pleaded with you to renew your per Diem contract yet with my business during the winter months slow and you not getting a lot of cases on your own, the per Diem work would be of some help and bring in some monies to help us out. YOU REFUSED!
I still struggle with that and guess will always because I just don't understand why a husband would not want to do what was necessary of what he can to support his family. Per Diem work is only a few hours per week.
The gym was were you choose to invest 15 hours. How do you think that made me feel?
Not once have I seen you look for opportunities. When I mentioned sending your resumes to certain places, you always opposed.
The man I marry, is the guy who went to law school after working in finance. The guy I marry, worked his ass off though law school and proved that he could do it. I don't know what happened to that guy but I want that guy back.
We watched a movie and it was just so very sad that after such an amazing Sunday, we are on opposite side of the sofa. My heart was broken.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Monday and Tuesday before the day
I was in a space to answer your call. Hearing your voice made me both happy and sad. Of, course the conversation went where it should have as there was a recap of the last few days.
Although I have always known, it was clear that for some things we will never see eye to eye.
The weekend of your birthday was lovely. We had an amazing time on Saturday and on Sunday at the roots was amazing. We were BE in true form. Hugging, kissing, dancing and just happy.
My friends told me how happy they were to see us so happy. As you know, when we are good, we do make people happy.
Monday your actual birthday was good for most of the day. I left to take Kyle to the park and to get you cupcakes and was excited about the lighting of the candle when you got back from the concert.
I asked you to call me when you leave the house and you didn't. Of course you will never understand the importance of those little things as you view them as something else. To me, calling or touching base is just another way to say connected. To share your day with me.
Of course, I was disappointed but I called we talked and I was good. I even prayed that the rain would go away so you can enjoy the concert.
When you came home it started because you heard "something in my voice" upon calling. You immediately came to a negative conclusion and placed a downer on our evening.
The Brian, I know and married isn't this sensitive self absorb man that you are today. The Brian i know, would try to get me to laugh or say something positive not go into his shell because he felt something was off. The Brian I know is much more confident so the little things that often cause tension in our marriage would be ignored.
This is an observation but I noticed whenever you drink everything is heighten. Maybe alcohol is affecting your body differently. You have lost a lot of weight and older. Often, i will call you in a normal voice and you will shouting. Or little things become big unimportant things. you are extremely sensitive and volatile.
On Tuesday, you found it necessary to go out. I was hoping you would hang out with me and the boys and kinda leave a positive feeling. We were not considered at all. Think it was more important for you to go play pool with Jonathon.
I wonder if you ever truly think about how I feel. Whenever we did things it is often me who initiates. Have you ever though about just doing something special for me or taking me out. How about fixing a nice dinner just because? Flowers?
Yet I am your wife and you love me.
Although I have always known, it was clear that for some things we will never see eye to eye.
The weekend of your birthday was lovely. We had an amazing time on Saturday and on Sunday at the roots was amazing. We were BE in true form. Hugging, kissing, dancing and just happy.
My friends told me how happy they were to see us so happy. As you know, when we are good, we do make people happy.
Monday your actual birthday was good for most of the day. I left to take Kyle to the park and to get you cupcakes and was excited about the lighting of the candle when you got back from the concert.
I asked you to call me when you leave the house and you didn't. Of course you will never understand the importance of those little things as you view them as something else. To me, calling or touching base is just another way to say connected. To share your day with me.
Of course, I was disappointed but I called we talked and I was good. I even prayed that the rain would go away so you can enjoy the concert.
When you came home it started because you heard "something in my voice" upon calling. You immediately came to a negative conclusion and placed a downer on our evening.
The Brian, I know and married isn't this sensitive self absorb man that you are today. The Brian i know, would try to get me to laugh or say something positive not go into his shell because he felt something was off. The Brian I know is much more confident so the little things that often cause tension in our marriage would be ignored.
This is an observation but I noticed whenever you drink everything is heighten. Maybe alcohol is affecting your body differently. You have lost a lot of weight and older. Often, i will call you in a normal voice and you will shouting. Or little things become big unimportant things. you are extremely sensitive and volatile.
On Tuesday, you found it necessary to go out. I was hoping you would hang out with me and the boys and kinda leave a positive feeling. We were not considered at all. Think it was more important for you to go play pool with Jonathon.
I wonder if you ever truly think about how I feel. Whenever we did things it is often me who initiates. Have you ever though about just doing something special for me or taking me out. How about fixing a nice dinner just because? Flowers?
Yet I am your wife and you love me.
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